


When a Crow Falls

by D_elfie



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Diary/Journal, Grief/Mourning, M/M, POV First Person, Short One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-18
Updated: 2018-02-18
Packaged: 2019-03-20 19:04:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13724058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/D_elfie/pseuds/D_elfie
Summary: The life of a Crow is dangerous and when Zevran dies, Alistair is left to come to terms with his passing by writing him one last letter.





	When a Crow Falls

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ponticle](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ponticle/gifts), [Earlgreyer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Earlgreyer/gifts).
  * Inspired by [After All These Years](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10607733) by [Earlgreyer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Earlgreyer/pseuds/Earlgreyer), [ponticle](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ponticle/pseuds/ponticle). 



> I blame my broken brain and [ Earlgreyer ](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Earlgreyer/pseuds/Earlgreyer) and [ ponticle's](http://archiveofourown.org/users/ponticle/pseuds/ponticle) [ After All These Years](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10607733) for this since I read it yesterday and then woke up with this in my head. Which is why I've gifted these to these two amazing authors.
> 
> For some reason whenever [ Earlgreyer ](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Earlgreyer/pseuds/Earlgreyer) is involved I end up with a depressing idea in my head. .. not sure what's up with _that_.

Today was the hardest day of my life.

I’ve had a number of “hardest” days – the day Duncan died, the day I was made a king, the day we faced the archdemon, which was the same day we lost Surana – but none come close to how hard it is today.

None could match the pain of placing your body in the crypt. You were never meant to be cold and silent. Your warmth and passion gave me strength all these years. Seeing you without a smirk, without a twinkle in your eyes – is it really you?

I’m sitting here with a part of my heart hoping there will be a tiny noise and I will turn to see you standing there, arms wide and inviting. I will go to you, falling to my knees in relief as you say, “Lo siento, mi corazón. I did not wish to deceive you but this was the only way.”

We had talked of faking your death so we could be together. When I first heard the news, I was sure that’s all it was… but then you never came.

I requested you be brought back here, not buried in Antiva. I hope you forgive me for that. I need you here with me even if I can no longer hold you in my arms or kiss my way along your beautiful skin.

I’m not sure I will ever sleep again now that you are no longer in my arms.

I think you would have been amused by the whole funeral. I think the kingdom may be scandalized for a year. You had no knightly pallbearers. No, you had friends.

Leliana arrived before the ship got in. I’m am still amazed at how she seems to know everything. She brought with her the Commander of the Inquisition forces – Cullen. Did you know he was the Templar we saved at the Circle? Well he remembered. He wanted to help lay one of his saviours to rest.

Your friend Isabela is who brought you back to me and carried your body down the docks. A pirate welcomed warmly by Ferelden’s king – I think there may be political consequences to that… and me.

I stood with Cullen and Leliana as you were brought down from the ship, taking my place at your side one last time.

People crowded the streets as we carried you. They threw flowers and tokens. They know you helped save them during the Blight, even if they don’t know how you helped save their king and kingdom a hundred times after.

We told stories as we carried you. Isabela had us laughing through our tears. I think she admired you.

It was only the four of us in the room when I laid you down. I knew I would break and needed to be away from courtiers. None would understand why an Antivan Crow meant so much to me.

Sometimes I don’t know how you came to mean so much to me. To think I advocated for your death all those years ago at the crossroads. Now that your death is here, I would give anything to turn back time and love you from the start. To have more time with you.

I keep getting off track as I write this. I wanted to tell you how extravagant your funeral was but the words get caught. My pen doesn’t work… because if I could tell you about your funeral, it would mean telling myself the truth. Admitting you are gone.

I gave a speech. I think I managed not to cry. Maybe. Probably not. I told them how invaluable you have been to Ferelden – though I couldn’t say it was because you made their king a better person. You did, you know. You made me brave. You made me _happy_.

Everyone cheered for you. They sang. And then we drank. I made sure there was both Antivan Red and Antivan brandy flowing.

I thought maybe alcohol would take the sting away. Soothe my hurt and help me sleep. All I want is to sleep. To see your beautiful, laughing face in my dreams. But laying alone in my bed, cold both in body and heart, I couldn’t. Sleep would not take me.

So I write to you, my love. Sitting on the cold floor of the crypt, as close to you as I can ever be now that you have left me. Now that you are gone.

I don’t know how I will be able to continue ruling… living… when my heart and soul are shattered.

I should end this note but I don’t know how. It feels like if I stop writing I will have to admit the truth. I'll have to realize you will never read this. I will never get a warm, teasing response. There will be no more nights where I fall asleep in your arms after you’ve exhausted me. No more taste of Antivan Red on your tongue. No more stolen kisses as you sneak from my window.

How do I carry on now?

I knew loving a Crow could lead to heartbreak but it wasn’t supposed to be like this.

Zevran, my love, I am lost without you.

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't have this beta-ed before reading so please let me know if you pick up on a mistake. You can find my email in my profile or I now have tumblr (@geekelfie) and discord (@geekelfie #5247) since apparently this is how fic authors connect with people? :)


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